I know the word Deathdays doesn’t actually exist but for me it seems to go in hand with birthdays sometimes.
The five weeks staring December 31 through February 5 are an emotional roller coaster for me. I’m talking the kind of ups and downs that should only be experienced with the purchase of an overpriced ticket and served with kettle corn and cotton candy.
It wasn’t always this way… it started three years ago today.
Before I go any further I feel the need to warn you… the following is nothing more than a much-needed dump of mindless drivel. But, after all, the purpose of this blog is to facilitate my mental cleanse in the hopes that I can make myself more in tune with the characters in the WIP, and not the characters in my real world. (Is it bad that sometimes it’s a very thing line?? hmmm)
Anyway, the reason for the messed up month of moods is this… there are A LOT of birthdays and death related days in these five weeks.
12/31 New Year’s Eve The birth of a new year is obviously a time to think about the possibilities of what life has to offer if I can just work hard enough to make them happen. Just maybe I’ll stick to this year’s resolution… woo hoo! (UP)
1/11 It’s usually around ten days or so before I start to crack with regard to any sort of exercise plan, lifestyle change, diet, etc. I concocted for the new year – new me mantra. Failed again… depressing. (DOWN)
1/15 My little sister’s birthday! She is an amazing individual; if I went into detail here this post would be much too long-winded (it probably still will be) so suffice it to say… I love the kid! She is the kind of woman that makes me say… Man, where does she find the time?!? She makes me laugh, she makes me proud, and I miss her like mad even though I know she is always just a phone call away. Plus this year she turned 40 and it somehow makes me feel younger to be in the same decade as she. Ha!! (UP)
1/29 My Dad’s birthday. Now this would be a good thing if he were still alive. But the fact is… he is not, and even though he has been gone for 20 years, his birthday is always a time to reflect on what a fantastic father he was. I think of him often. I wonder how he would handle certain things I find myself mired in. I still marvel at how no matter what he had on his plate at the time, he always made each of us feel special and he always seemed to just “get it” as in understand, no matter what “it” was. If I have done half as good of a job being a Mom as he did being a Dad I can rest easy. I feel he’s still watching over us… I still want to make him proud. (DOWN/UP)
1/30 My Mother died… three years ago today. I think for the first two years I was a little sad but also a lot irritated some how. Yes, I know that sounds bad – but it’s honest. When she first died I felt guilty because I didn’t spend as much time with her as I imagined a “good daughter” would have. Guilt from the grave. The truth is when I was a teenager we fought like cats and dogs. I got married ten days after my eighteenth birthday just to get the hell out of the house. (This marriage lasted 23 months… shocking huh?) But life happens, and as it turns out I ended up marrying a good man (twice actually, for a total of nearly 20 years and divorcing him twice too… but that’s another story) As time went on and I had my sons my relationship with my mother got a little better. Not perfect, not super close, but better… almost comfortable. The more changes I went through as a wife and mother the more I started to understand my mother’s actions, if only partially. She certainly didn’t have an easy life, this I knew, but I never really understood her temperament. I started to realize, albeit too late, that some things I would have chalked up to her narcissistic nature in the past were really just an overwhelming amount of insecurity on her part. Boy… I think I have a lot more to say about this… hmmm At any rate, today (1/30) is another day to reflect on the loss loved one. (DOWN)
2/4 My wonderful husband’s birthday. We’ve been best friends for over a decade, roommates and lovers for over three years, and married for less than a year. He is my soul mate, and his birthday is certainly a time for joyous celebration!! He makes me happier then I ever thought I could be… and he helps me like, dare I say love, myself… something I wasn’t sure I could ever do. Yes, he is that amazing! (UP)
2/5 Yes, the day after whatever type of celebration we enjoy for the hub’s, I’ll be a bit subdued because this is the day we buried my mother. I will never forget sitting in my sister’s kitchen, making plans for the service and someone suggested the 4th. For what seemed like one of the first times in my life I stood up and said “NO”. There was no way I could fathom burying my mother on my significant other’s (at the time) birthday. I felt it was just one more thing to be pissed at my Mom about. So I stood up… mad. I didn’t get any resistance, everyone understood. But it felt like I had somehow just leaped a hurdle, and didn’t fall flat on my face. I will always remember that day. Now it seems like a lesson from Mom to live how I want to live, to make choices for myself and those I love without worrying about “what the neighbors might think”; which unfortunately she struggled with her entire life. (DOWN/UP)
I know, life is all about ups and downs… good days and bad. It just seems these few weeks kick my ass every year. But, as time goes on and I get older, and hopefully wiser, I try to make the most of the ride so I can make room for the healing.